It's been a long time, and a rough year. If could characterise this year, it would be the Year of Failure.

I've probably encountered a significant rough patch in every single aspect of my life; with multiple failures in certain areas. Most of which have been brought about by an unfortunate turn of events which leads to some person thinking of some thing, and in consequence, which leads some one to do some other thing, and one just leads to another, resulting in a total mess. And the afterthoughts differ between different events; sometimes you walk away stronger and relieved, but other times you just want to really claw your way back to where it was before and spend week after week thinking through all the other possible permutations of end results.

I can't really say that i'm a happy person (in fact, i'm pretty unhappy right now), or that i am a better person, but i can say that i've grown wiser and tougher. i haven't been put through so many emotional rollercoasters in a year before, and neither have i faced so many new and unique situations in my life. The first real internship, my first driving lesson, screwing up various competitions, the first taste of emptiness during a festive season, the first time that i've worked so hard for an exam, the first trip overseas with friends, the first time i'm re-connecting with various people... amongst many other (darker) things.

But as cliched as it sounds, I'd rather have gone through all of that because it makes me feel very much alive. So for that, i'm very grateful for all the experiences i've had this year.

Next year... I do hope that it'll be a year of contentment. It doesn't have to be perfect, or even good, but I just have to learn how to be more accepting of the situation around me and learn how to deal with shit in a more effective way that won't be damaging in the long-run. I also hope that my experiences will not cause me to push people away from me, and that I will still be able to care for people just as much as I have always been able to, and not get affected by the jadedness and weariness with life. I also wish that the people around me work well and hard for what they really want, and that if they don't happen to attain whatever it is they are desiring, that they would be able to let it go and emerge stronger as well.

My first free day in a long while, and my mind drifts back to the land of a thousand smiles where stray animals run as freely as do cute angmoh babies with tiny sunhats and tinier booties. Where the sand is clean, and where the sea blends in so nicely with the sky - such that even squinting and a keen eye would not be able to help one discern the horizon. It is a land where people are warm and friendly, where bowing and putting your hands together as a symbol of thanks is the norm, where awesome milkshakes thrive very cheaply in nearly every FnB outlet. Shades and shorts become the default attire of the day, and much time is spent flitting between shops and twit-alleys, where calculator-wielding shopowners lie in wait for their next.. victim? We roam and wander, switching between dark dungeon-like areas and large shopping malls full of Dairy Queen outlets. After awhile, you get to differentiate between the sharks who deserve to be walked away from (mostly tuktuk owners), and those who struggle to make ends meet by dwelling in uncomfortably hot and cramped shopping areas.

But the place is just one thing, the trip to Phuket was only truly memorable in ways numerous because of the company that I had! I don't think i'll ever forget the simple, yet magical moments where we squeeze in tuktuks and sing random ass songs, or when we trudge along a dark twit alley and help each other pick out things, or the times where we display such camaraderie, bravery and mighty-snobby-tourist-attitudes in the face of tuktuk drivers who attempt to rip us off; or when we're stoned early in the morning or late at night and we simply sink and become one with our seats and enjoy each other's comfortable silence; or when we take turns to take digs at different people; or when we engage in the serious business of camwhoring; or when we entertain each other's fetishes (like babies, animals, play acting about how the world is ending and how rescue helicopters are waiting to swoop in to save only the most important of the lot); or when we just turn into large pieces of bakkwa and sit on the beach with not a care in the world; or when we enter alleys and then run away while attempting to swat and shoo flies away; or when we attempt to talk late into the night and end up falling asleep, in turn, one by one...

Also, on a more random note, i thought that the big buddha trip was quite a timely one that allowed me to give thanks to everything and everyone in my life.

It's been a long time! My absence is in part due to how life has been giving me activity after activity to be occupied with - from getting coated in mud, sloshing around in soap water, running a "marathon" (heehee), and generally living a real life (as opposed to Living and Partly Living) and coming back with a vengeance.

It could also be attributed to how i now see much less of a point in articulating my thoughts here.. I used to think that I needed an avenue for thoughts to be penned down before i forget them. However, I now feel that there is some degree of meaninglessness of owning a blog and all... especially since some may do it with the wrong motivations. Moreover, if the whole point about putting thoughts on the world wide web, (yet ironically, being cryptic about what you're saying) is just so that the relevant people may be able to take notice of what you think, wouldn't it then be a lot more simpler for one to talk to these people directly then? Right now, i really see no need for anyone to know anything from my blog because what i wish to tell, the relevant people would have already known. On a related note, I am very very very glad to have people in my life that I can just talk to so easily, without having to fear, and with the knowledge that a good response that is nowhere near half-hearted will transpire.

I like how things are - there are still problems to be faced, but i derive happiness from knowing that people are dealing with them head-on, through hours and days of tireless thinking and over-thinking (sometimes under-thinking - which leads to surprises that are least expected). I can only hope that we all somehow manage to do the right things at the end of the day..

Life has been very very kind to me. I may not be at my happiest, but I appreciate it all the same. (:

You, the beast who's not worthy of any respect at all.

This marks the start of a mere phase that will be over in the blink of an eye - for the next few days i shall be cold and heartless and merciless; i need to focus and i need to postpone all of my non-essential rituals (ie FACEBOOKING) till after the exams. I need to be accustomed to long hours of reading, white walls, hunger.... (as if i'm not already doing that... hurhur). I need to turn into some mechanical clockwork mugging machine and I need to whip myself into submission and GET DOWN TO BIZNIZ.



Time to BLEED, SLASH AND RIP MY WAY THROUGH TO THE HOLIDAYS. I can do this without losing my mind, i think.

STUDYING FOR MANY MANY HOURS A DAY IS MAKING ME INSANE OMG I FEEL LIKE RIPPING MY EYEBALLS OUT AND STABBING MYSELF BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING HIIIIEEEEYAAAAAAKKKK PHWWWOOAAARRRRR POWEERRRRRRRR YEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to go back in time... but not really?

It's like being stuck in a maze that knows no boundaries - are you in the center? perhaps along a small side path leading to a dead-end? how about near the exit? The cruel thing about this is that you don't know where you are; how close you are to the exit or how deep into the abyss you are. Can't see, can't think, can't feel where you are going; on each wall you see faces - faces of the past that haunt you and keep you thinking about things you'd rather not think of. You start to recall every kind word, every heartbeat, every sharp intake of breath, every kind of spirit that ever lived in the eyes, every moment of tingling anticipation, every teardrop, every frustration, every mistake, everything...

Sometimes these things on all of the walls - they lose their faces. That's when you no longer know what you're up against- you only feel, but you can't see. Knowledge may not keep one happy and safe, but it does enable one to keep sane, for one knows (at the very least) what one is up against. One may be able to dispel the faces with reason and self-consolation, but what of the faceless?

Running doesn't bring you any further from where you do not want to be - but staying put will only make you feel as though the walls are closing in, faster than you want them to.

What else can one do, but to simply trudge on along tirelessly, numbing the senses, and keeping the belief that someone, or some people, or something perhaps - will be at the end of this partial living.

Stars - Calendar Girl (Typography)

Few things in life can beat the feeling of receiving affirmation;
But nothing can beat the fact that you have friends to share the happiness and love with.

It's been a great night; the best i've had in a long while. Thanks so much everyone, for touching my heart in some way or another.

ALL HAIL THE INTERNET DOCTOR

for making me even more worried!!!!

Prednisolone side effects

Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat. Call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:

• problems with your vision;

• swelling, rapid weight gain, feeling short of breath;

• severe depression, unusual thoughts or behavior, seizure (convulsions);

• bloody or tarry stools, coughing up blood;

• pancreatitis (severe pain in your upper stomach spreading to your back, nausea and vomiting, fast heart rate);

• low potassium (confusion, uneven heart rate, extreme thirst, increased urination, leg discomfort, muscle weakness or limp feeling); or

• dangerously high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision, buzzing in your ears, anxiety, confusion, chest pain, shortness of breath, uneven heartbeats, seizure).

Less serious side effects may include:

• sleep problems (insomnia), mood changes;

• acne, dry skin, thinning skin, bruising or discoloration;

• slow wound healing;

• increased sweating;

• headache, dizziness, spinning sensation;

• nausea, stomach pain, bloating; or

• changes in the shape or location of body fat (especially in your arms, legs, face, neck, breasts, and waist).

Dear doctor.

I've just popped my first steroid pill - you prescribed me one because of this stupid sorethroat that i've been having for weeks.

Now, I feel all fidgety and warm and excited for no reason; my head feels funny and my heart is beating faster than it should be; my stomach feels kinda strange and i feel like i'm floating in space with no gravity. I feel like i've got Spider Senses because my fan and my typing noises suddenly seem very loud.

OMG WHAT IS THIS?? WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING???

I hope you haven't accidentally poisoned me.

Love,

Kristy

"You never know how much you need your friends in life
until you look down the rope
and realize how many knots they've tied
just to keep you from slipping."